Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
