how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
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