its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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