You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
