I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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