i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
someone owes me an orgasm
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
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I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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