I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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