Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
