i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
