I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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