I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
