I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
