in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
