I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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