I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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