woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
