She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He passed out mid-signature
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
