Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
