I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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