I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
