I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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