So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
