your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
