1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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