I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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