: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
