his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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