I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
