Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If that was your dad, he is hot
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Randomize
