He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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