im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize