He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
