So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
