She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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