today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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