mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
