No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
