textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
