If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
