I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
