Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
