mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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