i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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