the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
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But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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