You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
