This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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