can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
