I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
