i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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