I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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