smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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