And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
