i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
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he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
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When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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