alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
