tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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