Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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