Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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