I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
