Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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