i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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