i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
