sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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