I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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